Humour – Sadly and Badly Needed – Modern Naval Procedures – Political Correctness – Health & Safety


Thank the Lord for my friends, one of whom emailed me this:

English: Braunston-The Admiral Nelson The Pub ...

English: Braunston-The Admiral Nelson The Pub and cottage at the end of Dark Lane and at the side of the Grand Union Canal. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

ADMIRAL NELSON THEN & THE BRITISH NAVY NOW !

Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”

Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”

Nelson: “Hold on.., this isn’t what I dictated to ‘Flags’. What’s the
meaning of this?”

Hardy: “Sorry sir, what do you mean?”

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability. What ‘gobbledygook’ is this for God’s sake?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting
‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”

Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”

Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments.”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
main brace to steel the men before battle.”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the
Government’s policy on binge drinking.”

Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it,
full speed ahead.”

Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water. It’s an environment protection initiative.”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s
nest, please.”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”

Nelson: “What?”

Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, Sir, no
harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They
won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”

Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.”

Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”

Hardy: “Anti-discrimination requirements, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently abled…..”

Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral
by playing the disability card.”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented
in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”

Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want
anyone breathing in too much salt; haven’t you seen the adverts?”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”

Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!”

Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple
of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”

Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”

Nelson: “We’re not?”

Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation.”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”

Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.”

Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your ‘Kevlar’ vest; it’s the rules. It could save your
life.”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me – health and safety again! Whatever happened to
rum, sodomy and the lash?”

Hardy: “”As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban
on corporal punishment.”

Nelson: “What about sodomy?”

Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”

Nelson: “In that case…. Kiss me, Hardy!”

[The photo is a bit remote, but it looks like a beaut spot to enjoy a beer]

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About Ken McMurtrie

Retired Electronics Engineer, most recently installing and maintaining medical X-Ray equipment. A mature age "student" of Life and Nature, an advocate of Truth, Justice and Humanity, promoting awareness of the injustices in the world.
This entry was posted in Human Folly, Humour and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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